We better have practised kicking all week. Piri and Mr Cruden are going to need to be in 100% form. Wales forgot to bring a kicker and now they are 4th and therefore nowhere. Kicking is likely to win this. Let's kick our opportunities and WIN.
2. Remove hope
Hope is France's big motivation. With hope they can be brilliant, dashing, and enigmatic. Without it they are the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we played in 1987, 2003, and earlier this tournament. Don't get Hope out. Don't dangle her attractions to them. Otherwise, they will have her away, wining and dining her in a candle-lit restaurant, before whispering naughty 'language of love' words in her ear, and taken her home for a damn good rodgering while polishing their RWC gold medal. Remove hope. It is 1940, there are a 1000 panzer tanks bearing down on them. It is war and they have no hope, just despair.
3. Play Big
Everyone has to play big. Not just Richie, Conrad, Piri and Brad. Everyone. Just like last week. It's one game. Legs grow back, you only need one eye, and Jonah has got by on no kidneys for years. You can recuperate later. For the rest of your life in fact, while you sip cocktails on the beach and nuzzle in the bosoms of vestal virgins, mulling over the contract to be the new spokesman for roofing tiles or whatever. Win this and you'll never have to work again Mr All Black. If I don't see a defibrillator on the field at some point during the game, I will know you're not trying hard enough.
4. No Neutrals
Neutrals are scum. They sit on the fence for ages and then suddenly when they see a side winning they throw their weight behind them. Like the poms at Twickenham, 1999. If you see a neutral, remind them that a) they are in our country and b) you hate them. They must pick a side. If they pick the French then so be it, what happens to them afterwards will be their own fault. I will be turning into the new Simon Wiesenthal after the game, watching slow motion video of the crowd, and with CSI sound analysis and the POWER OF GOOGLE, I will track any 'Allez les Bleus' singers and END THEM. There is only one song allowed today, it has two words, 'ALL' then 'BLACK'. Repeat ad infinitum. Sing it loud, Sing it proud. Simples.
5. Prevent skulduggery
Don't allow them to do their sneaky drop goals and dodgy intercept tries. Those are not part of rugby and when I am RFU commissioner and therefore ruler of the world, they will not be allowed. If you have dropped a goal because you are not good enough to score a try, you are a cheat. If you are running in our backline and intercepting passes that would have led to us scoring a try (Stirling Bastard Mortlock), this is plain bandit behaviour.
6. Engage in skulduggery
Let's do some drop goals and intercept tries ourselves for a change. If you can't change the rules, play to them. Embrace the power of Charlie Sheen and do some WINNING.
7. Believe
If we all believe we can win, we will. Belief is a powerful thing. If the power of 300 passengers in a 747 can make 200 tonnes of metal take off the ground and fly around the world, then 4 MILLION KIWIS can make our rugby team win. Easy. Kia Kaha boys.
Please let us win. Please.
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