Here's the first part of the guide to the Rugby World Cup. With just days to go, you would have thought this would have been completed a month ago, but well you know, stuff to do and things. First up, let's do a run-down of the teams in Pools A and B and how The AB Enquirer thinks they'll get on.
Pool A
The POOL OF DEATH or oh no, poor old England might have to play some hard games.
Australia
- Despite it being the group of death, they walk it. Far too good for this lot of try-hards. Great players abound with the obvious standout being Israel Folau. Put a black shirt on him and he'd be perfect. Foley nails down the 10 spot after Cooper's demolition in Auckland.
He'll never be an All Black: Israel Folau
Prediction: Finalists
England
- Robshaw is half as good as everyone thinks he is. If he stopped talking for five minutes and concentrated on playing he'd improve immensely. Ford, Brown, Watson, Joseph and May are excellent, although they will miss Tuilagi - as big and uncompromising a brute on a rugby field as there has ever been. Still if you go round punching ladies (allegedly), then you deserve to miss out. Bizarrely England may have a better back line than forwards for the first time ever. Watch them panic and not throw the ball wide when it gets tough though. They LOSE their first game to Fiji and the nation goes into shock. They get up to beat Wales and Uruguay by big scores and it comes down to points differential and they squeak through.
He'll never be an All Black: George Ford, Anthony Watson
Prediction: Quarter Finals.
Wales
- Four years past their prime and full of humongous beefcakes that would be better off in a Jersey Shore episode than running around a field. I would be astonished if they make it through this. I can think of no-one that would look good in a black shirt.
He'll never be an All Black: Underpants collector Tom Jones
Prediction: Fourth in Group.
Fiji
- not the team of old, as they pour resources into other sports now and seldom play the big teams these days. Some quality in the backs like Crusaders exocet missile Nadolo. They throw everything into the first game and beat England. The world crows and points fingers at the poms and call them losers. Everyone laughs, while the Fijians party too hard afterwards and lose fitness for the rest of the tournament. The Fijians them lose to Aus and Wales before getting up narrowly to beat Uruguay. The Fijian Prime Minister gives everyone a day off to celebrate the English result and everyone smiles happily.
He'll never be an All Black: Major General Sitiveni Rabuka
Prediction: Third in Group.
Uruguay
- last of the teams to qualify. They've travelled the world and done well to make it, and it's just unfortunate for them to have got placed in this group. Their game against Fiji would have been good fun, but they'll have had a couple of big beatings by then so they might not be up for it.
He'll never be an All Black: Luis Suarez
Prediction - last in pool.
Pool B
The pool of complex politics.
South Africa
- haven't had the best of years and they look short of a few major talents. I understand there are issues with politics running amok in the team selection. Should still be too good for everyone in this group though. Esbeth is a mighty big chap and that Pollard boy could be brilliant.
He'll never be an All Black: Nelson Mandela.
Prediction - Semi Finals.
Samoa
- Gave us a bit of a shock in first game of the season. Huge hits everywhere of course but not sure how good they really are having lost to Fiji in the final of the Pacific Nations. I can't pick out anyone that is likely to impress above others, just hope they put in really good team performances. Discipline could be the key - if they can contain the stupid scrum penalties and lineout infringements then they have a chance against Scotland. More likely though is that they get kicked off the park.
He'll never be an All Black: Brian Lima - but wouldn't it have been great if he had been?
Prediction - Third in Pool
Japan
- most of the team are still exiles, traitors and wannabees from other nations and until they pick some of their Sumo blokes in the team, size is mostly going to be an issue. Often their silky, dashing little backs get you excited for a few seconds before somebody a lot bigger jumps on them, squashes them and steals the ball back. One day they could be good, but I doubt it's going to be this World Cup.
He'll never be an All Black: Are there any famous Japanese people?
Prediction - last in pool.
Scotland
- on the ascendancy for the last couple of years but without getting the results, the jocks get themselves together and make it out of the pool. This is tough for Samoa to take and they galvanise an invasion force and temporarily force the scots to rebuild Hadrians Wall. This falls nicely in place for Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon who declares that because she can no longer get out of Scotland to annoy the English, it is truly pointless being part of the UK and declares another referendum on the matter. She wins, Scotland becomes independent, they all drink far too much and forget about their rugby team south of the border. The rugby team shorn of support fail to get any further in the competition.
He'll never be an All Black: One of the Grays - they're both pretty good
Prediction: Quarter Finals
USA
- done all the right things in inviting top teams in the last year to play against them, so their boys should have got some experience of higher level rugby. The game against Japan though is likely to be the highlight of their tournament. Imagine if they picked some of their athletes from other sports to play? How good a team would one featuring Tom Brady, Marshawn Lynch, Rob Gronkowski etc. be?!
He'll never be an All Black: LeBron James or maybe Carli Lloyd
Prediction: Fourth in Pool
That's it for the first two pools. Tomorrow - us and the rest in Pool C and the drunks and the frogs in Pool D.
Lastly, here's the state of ticketing at the moment. If you're thinking about going to a game you have loads of opportunities still. Provided you are a bastard billionaire! The prices for games are quite frankly ridiculous and I hope the Rugby World Cup committee lose a fortune and the whole world laughs as empty stadiums appear on tv screens around the world. Course this probably won't happen but don't pretend real rugby watchers are going to the games, just a bunch of rara boys and corporations with huge entertainment budgets.
Look at some of those prices?! £150 to watch the All Blacks play in Wales on a Friday night. How the hell are you going to get there in time for the game? How will you get back? Where can you stay? £150 !! per ticket!! Mental.
Worse than the insane prices is the All Blacks tax you have to pay. Fancy going to see Namibia? (er no...) Yes? of course you do, let's watch them play Argentina - that's £85 please. What about Namibia vs The ABs - that's £175!!!! What the Actual Fuck is going on? The same shit house team is going to play both games, yet the pleasure of watching them get thrashed by Argentina will cost you half of what the smashing the ABs do to them is going to cost. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!
This is definitely part of the dirty tricks campaign that England are running to make sure WE DO NOT WIN. We'll talk about that in another post. Just know English people that I am on to you.
Why weren't tickets offered to citizens of the countries involved in the game first? We're going to be left with mostly empty stadiums with a few wealthy English people not giving a shit about which team wins and drinking their champagne, swallowing oysters and licking strawberries and cream off each other in the corporate boxes.
All that was offered was a ballot where mysteriously I didn't get any tickets to any of the 10 games I asked for. No-one got tickets. Tickets just were never available. It's a bloody travesty.
Right Pool C and D tomorrow, then more on the campaign to prevent us winning the World Cup, then How to be a Fijian on Friday.
Bring it on.
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