Thanks for the memories bro - RIP Jonah

An amazing player.



A top bloke.

An adman's dream.




That amazing Playstation game from our youth (and that commentary).



Thanks for everything Jonah. You are missed.

The Mega Wrap Up of the 2015 Rugby World Cup

A last look at the World Cup. Superb memories,

The Final

What a fantastic game. The All Blacks playing with flair and imagination. Australia doing their damndest to stay in the game. It will forever be Dan Carter's final though. So calm and composed in the aussie fightback, tackling his way to the top of the stats and serenely dropping that goal from 40m to put us back out to a 7 point lead. Regardless of how well Dan played, every player brought their A game. It was a final with loads of points and should be remembered for all time. Maybe as good as the 1987 one.

The Epic
Richie was Epic.
Pocock was Epic.
Dan was Epic.
Kaino was Epic. Player of the tournament?

The Good
Nonu - one last game, one last complete performance. Vied with Richie and Dan for MOTM. GO BOY!!! (How good is the commentary?! We had the ITV stuff over here and there wasn't one moment of excitement expressed during the entire World Cup).

Milner Skudder - so many runs, so many metres.
Nigel Owens - what a ref. An incredible understanding of the game and the players. Made every match he officiated in the best he could.
Whitelock and Retallick - so good. So beautiful. So dominant.


The Bad (but not really that bad)
- Conrad was clearly taken off too early. The first half was total domination and the Wobblies had no ball. But without him there were gaps everywhere. I know SBW set up the Nonunator for that great try, but Conrad could have done that too. It's overlooked how good Conrad is on defence - we will probably never see his like again. The player that is everywhere, plays as the fourth loose forward, and sets up attacks. Without him in the line and at the breakdown we were short and unable to compete with their loosies. I'm delighted that his last play in the game was to set up the try for Milner Skudder but gutted that he didn't get the standing ovation for his career he deserved had he come off in the second half.
- Ben Smith was a very naughty boy and his yellow card could have cost us the game. As it was, it was 14 points. Although, had he not been sent off, the score would probably have blown out to massive proportions. We were that good it would have been a 30 point margin. Ben's yellow card evened things up and made the game a greater spectacle.
- Kepu's multiple attacks on the neck and head of various players. A shit of a man. Not sure how he stayed on the pitch. Here's an uber nerd analysing just one of them on Richie.


And here's the screen shots of him high-tackling Milner-Skudder and then face raking / eye gouging him. Prison is the only place for this bloke.

The Tournament

The Good


The BAD
The bad bits about the World Cup were so bad that they can't really be glossed over. Ticketing was a joke. There were never any tickets available. Despite visiting the ticket site every day

The All Blacks tax was in full effect too. Prices were double to watch an ABs game vs the same opposition.

The Legacy

Hopefully the world will now rate the All Blacks a little higher. There's a lot of sniffiness about the ABs in the northern hemisphere. We only win at home (not any more!), Richie is constantly offside and cheats in every ruck (in the age of video refereeing and stadium reffing this is just impossible plus it just reflects on their lack of understanding of the laws of the game), we're chokers (not any more!), we're grumpy, miserable and bad winners (not any more! see SBW helping defeated foes from the turf , see Richie's girlfriend reveal that he's a human being too).

The rest of the world is very bad at rugby and the gulf is massive between us and the rest at the moment. Are they just in a lull? Were we at the height of our playing cycle? The possible legacy of this tournament is that everyone gets a little disheartened and we've put a bunch of kids around the world off playing (other than in NZ).

Small example but still valid. My boy is now at high school in the UK. He wants to play Rugby or at least try it. Their year had the rugby tryouts last week - 7 kids turned up. This was just 3 days after the World Cup final!! Despite a very well organised tournament, there is no passion for the game over here.

They are all talk and singing

I don't think many people in the world rate Chris Rattue of the NZ Herald as a sports writer, but in his summary of the World Cup he was pretty accurate.

But the rest of world rugby hovers around incompetence. It's a game awash with money and gizmos and money but devoid of sufficient rugby sense and maybe raw-athletic resources.

Australia got smashed in the final. They were physically overpowered. They can't last the distance in a tournament. 

England play like draft horses. They even dare to go into big matches without a proper openside. They are all talk and singing.

France were pathetic in the quarterfinal - the land of scary forwards turned up with powder puffs instead. Money isn't talking.

Wales think they can survive on a swarming defence and backs built like forwards, some of whom aren't even as skilful as the All Black forwards.

South Africa have regressed, finding their game plan on the wall of an ancient cave.

Ireland suffered key injuries, but they still don't truly believe. They aren't rugby's little people. But the back up players probably are unfortunately.

Argentina were superb for a rising nation. I loved watching Argentina, who were like a blast from the past. But they will struggle to rise much further, once they get overly tactical and freaked out by error rates.

As for Nigel Owens, his refereeing in the final was on the button, even if it slipped off a couple of times. He got a few things wrong, including a giant All Black forward pass. But he was on the lax side, and rugby needs referees on the lax side. Otherwise it turns into Rugby Laws 101 under professor Wayne Barnes. Most of us would rather watch the TV test pattern (remember that).

Jesus, the cricket?!!!

Holy dingo baby eaters, we're getting our ass handed to us. 389/2 on the first day. We're meant to be killing the worst Australian team since the 80s.

What went wrong boys? Were we too cocky?

Fingers crossed for tomorrow or we're going 1-0 down.

World Champions!!!

This is amazing.



SBW gives his medal away to a young boy who'd run on to the field. Watch Messam give his hat away too and Uncle Steve give him a hug. Brings tears to the eye.

Rugby World Cup Final - New Zealand vs Australia

Six incredible rugby filled weeks have boiled down to this. Seemingly the greatest final there could have been as the two best teams before the tournament began have made it to Twickenham.

So who's going to win? In the spirit of the AB Enquirer, we have to go for The ABs. Australia are clear favourites though. Having beaten big teams all the way through, they're mentally honed for the task. In Pocock, Hooper, Fardy and McCalman, they have the standout loosies and have easily the best defence at the RWC conceding almost no tries against the big teams.

There'll be no shame in losing to this Aussie team if we do. They were the form team leading into the tournament, that form has continued, and they typically play well in England. They're an excellent unit with good leadership and management. Cheika has them pumped up and they have an amazing never say die attitude, reminiscent of Gandalf shouting in LOTR...


via GIPHY

Just getting to a final again is a massive achievement on our part, given our history of nerves in tournaments and less than stellar previous form in northern hemisphere tournies. But this year we have Ben and Aaron Smith, the experience of the retirees, Nonu, Conrad, McCaw and Carter, and the dazzling skills of Savea and Mulder Sculley to light up the game.

I was the only person in the world who predicted the last World Cup final would be an horrendously tight affair and it was. This on the other hand I expect to go slightly differently. If anything we are the more rested team with just the one massive game during the tournament so far, we have hardly been stretched consistently unlike Oz. We should have plenty left in the tank in the last 20 minutes to tear the game apart.

Will Carter last the game and stamp is mark on eternity. Or will he be the nearly man who broke down in every World Cup but everyone remembers him for that amazing 2005 year against the Lions? Will the GABEVER go down in history alongside Ma'a Nonu as the greatest centre combination ever? Will Savea break the single tournament try scoring record? Will Richie lift the cup again and go #BlacktoBlack? Will our scrum survive?

It's a nice day. No rubbish rain to dampen the spirits and take the pace out of the game. ABs by 10 at least.

LET'S GO ALL BLACKS!!!!!!!!

Battle for Bronze

Just two games to go now. Boo hoo.

Third place is on offer tonight as the Saffas take on the Pumas. It's another clash of styles as we'll watch the Boks rumble it up and chase du Preez's box kicks hoping for a penalty they can kick at goal. Same as last week against us then...

Meanwhile in the other corner, it's the darlings of the world cup (ok, the other darlings - Japan unfortunately went home early), Argentina. Their dazzling displays of backline virtuosity have been beautiful to watch. Have they got one more game left in them? Or has last week's disappointment rendered them useless and just wanting to go home?

Hopefully ImHoff, Cordero, Sanchez and Hernandes are still motivated by a bronze medal (?) and we can have one more victory for the beautiful game. Those stats from Cordero are impressive .... 

454 metres gained, 25 defenders beaten, 16 carries over the gainline.

It's too tense to write about the big game tomorrow...but we'll give it a crack in the morning.

Semi-final One: The quick, bullet-point guide to beating the boks

• STOP Burger
• Win the breakdown
• Be first to the ball
• Don't drop our passes
• No scrums
• Take our catches (looking at you K Read)
• Get the ball to Mulder Sculley and Julian
• Put pressure on du Preez so he can't kick us round the park
• Ben at the Back catch every ball and join into the line like a young Christian Cullen
• Get parity in the lineout with their tall timbers, Etsebeth and de Jager
• Make our turnovers
• Nonu and Smith - don't be intimidated by youth, rely on experience
• Dan, it would be good if you didn't break down in this game
• NO SILLY YELLOW CARDS!

If we make it to the final, we'll be the oldest team ever to do so....fingers crossed.

Good luck boys. Smash the boks.

All Blacks perform first ever live vivisection of a Rugby team in front of global audience - 62 -13

What's red and green and croaks?
A frog invited to the quarter final of the RWC.



Having chosen to try this game, the ABs turned up and sliced, diced, cut, hacked, smashed, and eviscerated the Frogs in a worldwide first, the live vivisection of a rugby team. Superb stuff and you couldn't take your eyes off the carnage the whole time.

The best try of the night? This Lomu-esque piece of genius from Savea. But the build-up to it was AMAZING!!! Ben from the back goes into orbit to collect a high ball from Dan and then holds off 25 Frenchies before the ball gets flung wide by Aaron to Lurch and a smart offload to Big Julian to rumble, smash and bash his way over the the Frenchie outsides.



What we learned from the game:

Dan tried. He really tried. He had his best game in a black shirt since 2005. I am super impressed. No doubt he'd been told he really would be benched for BB or Colin if he had another shit game. Dan only has two games and a few more training sessions to get injured...is he actually going to make it through an entire world cup?

Kaino also played his best ever game. Just Kieran Read is the odd one out of the forward pack not performing to maximum ability. It was noticeable how much more BLOODY AWESOME we got when Sam Cane came on.

The Fear of Losing is a great motivator. As is the end of your career as an AB. You want to go out in style and be REMEMBERED. So many of the team are retiring after the world cup and this really could have been their last game and it proved to be the catalyst required to get them moving. There would have been few fond memories of this 2015 team had they not finally got it together. 

The French were shown up for the limited side they are and hopefully this will set them on the path to redemption. Scrap their new-found one-off rugby and embrace the French joie-de-vivre of old.

There were no scrums. Or almost none. That's the key to us winning this thing. No scrums....And catching the ball. That's the other key to winning this thing. That's two keys. It's a double locked door to this World Cup.

Quarter-Finals - Rugby World Cup

The final pool matches were mostly epic as teams threw everything into last ditch qualification and attempts to avoid the big teams in their coming quarter final. Scotland vs Samoa (36-33) will live long in the memory. That first half was mega-frenetic like a multi-ball pinball game. Quite how Scotland got up to win under the awesome fury, cunning and dazzling skills of the Samoans I'll never know. But they did. Laidlaw was excellent throughout and he's become the form kicker of the tournament too.

Ireland v France and Wales v Australia were both pretty impressive contents too. Not impressive in the range of skills on show but in the 'omg, they have literally just become human battering rams' way. Whatever is left of France and Wales will probably not be much. Both of these teams deservedly lost their encounters after failing to try anything at all. Watch Dan Biggar with his head in his hands as Cuthbert and North repeatedly turned into or ran straight at opponents is heart breaking. Poor Dan has the misfortune of being far too damn good for the rest of his humongous, hulk-sized, one-idea colleagues. France too have had every piece of endeavour cut from them. Despite playing against an Ireland team that had players dropping like the plague, they still couldn't muster any quality, style or invention. It's a great shame. Ireland won easily but they'll be counting the cost of losing O'Brien, O'Connell and Sexton this weekend.

So to the matchups this weekend. I asked rugby genius, Marty (back home in NZ) his thoughts on the matches too so have popped those in.

QF1 - South Africa vs Wales

Whatever's left of Wales after their huge injury hit campaign will probably be annihilated by South Africa. Which is a pity because we'd all like to see South Africa lose. After all, Japan beating them was the highlight of this and every single other World Cup. Dan Biggar deserves a better team. Maybe when Gatland goes they'll add a bit of dynamism to their play and look a bit more threatening with the ball. Kriel and Allende should have far too much guile for Lord of the Rings extra Roberts and whoever is still alive to partner him. Up front, Etsebeth and the baby-faced bruiser De Jager will trample all over the Welsh.

Not expecting it to be pretty but Boks by 10.

Marty: Loving the Springbok’s midfield right now (which they fielded during the Rugby Championship when JDV was out injured) and if they fire they should beat the Welsh. But the Welsh have been surprisingly gutsy this tournament, if a little stupid.

QF2 - New Zealand vs France

In a repeat of virtually every single other RWC we are drawn to play France again. Once again instead of being the easybeats they look like against everyone else, they'll probably play light years ahead of themselves and give us a torrid time. Having been to the 1999 RWC semi-final loss and the 20-20 draw in Paris, I know only too well how good the French are. I can't imagine the French playing as badly, or as insipidly as they did last week against the Irish. All attempts at moving the ball have been lasered from them, so I guess we know how they'll play. It's just up to our forwards to withstand the barrage. I note though with a twinge of alarm, that their players have mutinied this morning and have sacked Philip St-Andre as coach. Probably for the best - he's made them into a terrible team. Basteraud has been dropped and the infinitely better Fofana is in again. Dusatoir is still brilliant and will probably make mincemeat of Kaino.

As to us, the team looks ok if a little un-imaginative. I personally can't see the point of playing Dan Carter any more and would prefer BB or Slade there, or maybe McKenzie or Sapoaga. Dan will probably get injured during this game anyway so one of them will be on the plane if we get through. Ben Smith at fullback is a waste of the two or three tries he would get playing on the wing, so I'd play Mulder Scully at fullback. Lastly, Read probably needs a break or a surprise sit on the bench to wake him up - Cane could play 8 very happily. The bench look lively and only the scrum which has gone backwards against every team so far is an issue. The answer of course is no scrums. Not easy when we've made more handling errors than any other team at the RWC.

Would I be surprised if we lost? No. By any measure, we'be been below par so far in the cup. We simply don't seem to be able to catch the ball with any regularity. But we must have a good performance coming soon...surely? ABs by 10.

Marty: We will cream them Dave – I think the mental states of the two teams are quite different this time. I’m predicting a win by 13+. The ABs will open their full bag of tricks, some of which you started to see in the second half of the Tonga match – e.g. they switched to a gang-tackling strategy and attacked the rucks a lot more than they have done all year. Only worry is the scrum – get it in and get it out!

QF 3 - Ireland vs Argentina

Like everyone else I've been impressed with Argentina. They have an excellent 1st five (Sanchez) and dazzling wings (Cordero - quick as!) and of course their rock solid scrum. Ireland have started to look like a team that are just on the wrong side of their peak. Key players are injured or suspended for this game so things look a bit squeaky. Ireland's big game nous and Six Nations winning experience should be enough but key leadership is gone from the field.

Ireland look shaky throughout but win by 3.

Marty: Would love to see Argentina go through but I think the Irish will be too smart for them.

QF4 - Australia vs Scotland

Scotland have had a good campaign but they're a team on the build and this is too soon for them. I expect big things of Russell and co. over the next few years but right now, Australia are just too good. I expect them to run Scotland off the park in the second half.

Australia by as many as they can be bothered scoring. Probably by 15.

Marty: Australia should hammer Scotland, especially now that they’ve lost two key forwards. I guess you never discount the Scots backs-to-the-wall mentality though, eh.



Can't wait. It's going to be a fantastic weekend of sport. Fingers crossed we're still there on the other side! Come on All Blacks.

After all that last games of the pool match stress stuff over the weekend, here's something to lighten the mood. Everybody's favourite Australian (and in fact, the only nice Australian in the world ever, apart from maybe Kylie, and Olivia Newton John, and maybe Hugh Jackman, ok, there's a few nice ones, but no rugby players, other than this guy, right?), Nick 'the Honey Badger' Cummins is starring in an undies commercial.

It is unequivocally brilliant! Clearly made up on the spot and featuring Nick's trademark colloquialisms, it deserves to go gangbusters. Keep your rod and reel intact fellas.

Quarter Final qualification complete - where are we now?

Our final game in Pool C was against Tonga and as follows every game we've played so far in this tournament was a very difficult watch.

While there's no doubt that the teams outside the top 10 have improved hugely since the previous word cup, that doesn't explain the highly elevated amount unforced errors. We seem unable to catch the ball with regularity, are coughing up the ball in tackles consistently, dropping the ball from kickoffs, failing to make touch from penalties, etc. I don't want to jump on the team's back so I won't, but unless the error rate is reduced we'll be beaten easily in the quarters by France or Ireland, with or without referee assistance.

47-9 is a good score against a Tongan team who played well for 60 minutes but then tired noticeably, allowing our backs to run riot for the last 10. There were good performances from Mulder Scully and Ben at the Back Smith. Nonu was aggressive in tackles and Sam Cane was immense around the field without winning too many turnovers. Richie wasn't missed which was good. Kieran Read was a little disappointing but I'm sure he'll improve over this performance. If not, maybe there's the option of playing Cane at 8 instead of Read.

Conrad was quiet which was a shame, still this was the Nonu celebration day (100th test), so he was probably looking to keep things less dazzling than normal so he didn't make the man look bad.

Nonu's sporty 100th test boots with lots of lovely graffiti on them

So the question for the Quarter final in the Millennium stadium is, France or Ireland? Who do we want?

France bring the je ne sois quois, the jois de vivre, the va va voom, the holy cow, how did they beat us? We can't predict what they'll do. Obviously we should be good enough to beat them but nothing is guaranteed. 

Ireland bring the no-nonsense, hard-as bastards who have dominated northern hemisphere rugby for the last 3-4 years. They will be super hard to beat, but are they at the end of their reign?

All the teams left seem to be pretty equal, barring Australia who look head and shoulders, needles and pins, salt and pepper better than the rest of us. Their game this afternoon vs Wales should be excellent - although are there any welshies left to play?

NZ 42 - Georgia 10 - Catch the bloody ball chaps.

For most of this game it was 22-10. Despite not looking like scoring at all, Georgia hung tough, played hard, tackled their lives out and generally upset our rhythm and balance. 18 handling errors says it all, after we threw hospital pass after hospital pass through the backs and the forwards couldn't catch a cold.

The Herald reported Hansen saying, "If you looked at how often we kicked the ball last night, or didn't kick the ball - it's not normal is it? And as a result of that the Georgians got a free shot. That put us under pressure and we have to learn to deal with that pressure because we're going to get pressure in the quarter-final and if we don't deal with it then we're going home.

"Everyone will feel frustrated because the job wasn't well done. There were times when we really felt the pressure. There were times when we couldn't get the ball away."

So we're led to believe that it's a deliberate ploy to play badly to invite pressure on and create a situation that wouldn't have existed otherwise. The All Blacks are supposedly playing badly so that the opposition has more of the ball in areas they wouldn't normally. If this is true, this is mind games on a Alex Ferguson level of genius.

A couple of tries in the last few minutes blew out the score to a 32 point win, totally flattering the scoreline. Gorgodze was named Man of the Match - despite playing only 50 minutes and not doing that much. He couldn't believe it either.

He can't believe it! Mamuka Gorgodze realises he's man of the match, & possibly the most popular man in the stadium! https://t.co/ti7BlOvsBf

— Rugby World Cup (@rugbyworldcup) October 2, 2015

My favourite tweet of the England game last night was this:

This just in: Mamuka Gorgodze is man of the match for this game. #RWC2015 #ENGvAUS

— Andrew Mulligan (@Andrew_Mulligan) October 3, 2015

There's not much to take from this game. We are either absolutely terrible and will get thrashed in the quarters or we're sandbagging and there's loads more to come.

Although after watching Australia humiliate England last night we've got a HUUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEEEEE way to go to get to their level.

The best moments of the first two weeks of the Rugby World Cup

Rather than just post a bunch of WorldRugby's highlights videos, I've been on a trawl through the cyberweb to find a few fan videos of the matches. So, here's the crowds point of view and reactions at home from those great moments.

First up, the greatest upset in Rugby history ever. Japan beat South Africa in the last seconds at Brighton:



Wales beat England - this lot are stuck at home with the family and it's still exciting.



This utter mess by itv of the World in Union song, with Paloma Faith actually screeching the song while the worst imaginable CGI of rugby players overlapping English monuments is displayed. Don't watch, you'll choke on your breakfast.



What this search has discovered is that there is almost no fan videos of the events available online. Not sure if this is because RWC are removing videos but if you're going to a game, take your camera and do some recording people.

I'll try and keep this post up to date as I spot some decent videos. But at the moment there's a paucity of original entertainment out there folks. Get recording.

Did it actually happen?

Samoa have just been spanked 46-6. By South Africa....

The same South Africa that lost 34-32 to Japan...

The same Japan that lost to Scotland 45-10...

So did Japan actually beat South Africa or did we imagine it?

Or are Scotland the best side in the world?

So many questions. Just weeks to go to find out. England vs Wales next up..... BIG GAME!!!

Cupsets - Love em!

How good was Japan's victory over the old enemy South Africa? Thank goodness that didn't happen to us. Here's the last minute or so captured at a fan zone in Cardiff (I think). Epic celebrations.

NZ vs Argentina LIVE

1 min - early pressure from Argies as they kick to Savea's corner.
2 min - holding in the ruck allows us to clear our lines. Dan smashes it upfield. All good.
3 min - peno from Wayne Barnes. Dan should be able to slot this. But I've seen him miss from in front before, so we'll see.

Straight through - it's 3-0. That's a good start.

ooooooo - kick through for Milner-Skudder to chase and the argie fullback touches down. 5 metre scrum..... let's see...

Black boots -- looking good.

free kick - taking another scrum. Nothing from the scrum but a peno looming....
Julian's lost his boot out wide.

Penalty for offside - Aaron takes it quickly and Lobbe stops him moving forward. He's OFFFFFFFF!!!!  In the bin baby.

10min - Dan with the penalty and ... through. 6-0.

Deep kick off from the argies. Dane to throw in and we've won that. Dan clears well.

Tina working it in midfield. Side to side a bit.

Ben Smith AWESOME in defence, picks up a bouncing ball in the 22 and beats a dozen people.

14min - random penalty to Tina for something. One of their boys is down...

kick goes into our 22. We pick up the loose ball, but Barnes gives another penalty for something. Then marches us 10 metres for something else.... Then we go back for something else - a knock on... Chaos. Scrum to the Blacks.

17mins - cleared downfield halfway between the 10m and Tina's 22m. We win the throw. Worked out well and there's another offside. Dan to take the kick.

18 mins - Dan 9-Tina 0

20 mins - we're back in midfield after the kick off. Tina working the ball around well.

21 mins  - TRY to Tina. We looked terrible there for a bit. Not sure what was going on. Losing the battle up front to their big forwards. Their big no. 4 scores. Still a man down too.

22 mins - the kick is good. Dan 9 - Tina 7

23 mins- scrum on their 10m. The scrum is a mess. Peno to Tina. Blood all over Franks face. Trouble......?

24 mins - they win the lineout, but Tina lose the ball. Carter clears upfield and its kick chase. Back to where we began.

25 mins - bomb from Dan but Julian misses the leap - not ready.... Tina penalised for diving over the top. We kick to the 22.

26mins - win the lineout. close to a try but Milner-Skudder can't combine with Wightlock.

28 mins - mistakes everywhere. Clown time. Penalty to dropsy stuff. There's a scrum.

29 mins - stadium refereeing arrives. Richie's in the bin for tripping. Dick.
Tina to kick for goal - Sanchez strikes it well and Tina's in the lead. 9-10

30 mins - from the kickoff. Tina clears and we start again at halfway.

31mins - we look a bit rubbish throwing the ball around and Tina gets the ball, but they drop it with the overlap looming.... lucky...

33 mins - pressure on Tina's line but we've lost it forward. Defensive scrum.

35 mins - break from their lines and charge down field.

36 mins - Conrad is OFF!!!!! Barnes sends the GABEVER off. We are officially fucked!

37 mins - Sanchez gets the kick and Tina move further in front. We're rattled. 9-13.

38 mins - Camera pans to Steve Hansen - better be getting ready to resign....

39 mins - Richie's back on. Penalty to us. This'll be it for the half. Dan to kick....

it's good. 12-13 Tina lead.

HALF - TIME.

over to the analysts. But we look shit.

Conrad will come on 6 minutes into the second half and then we have got to cut down the mistakes and keep everyone on the field till the end.

SECOND HALF

40MINS -  we start again. High kick up. Savea wallows after it. Not good enough from him so far.

Tina has it and they pile the pressure on again.

We've been pinged for offside. Not sure who it was - replay reveals nothing. Sanchez to kick at goal....it's good. 12-16

Camera pans to GABEVER - looking sad in sin bin land.  :-(

From the kickoff, Tina kick deep and we play kick chase.

43mins - Milner-Skudder saves the day with a miracle pickup in the corner. We look buggered and tired.

44 mins - Argies kick it out on the full after a good turnover. We get away with that and an attacking lineout.

Early changes as Woodcock and Nonu come off. SBW and Romano on??? I think.

SBW makes a break. Milner-Skudder drops it on the line. Fuckwit.

46mins - Conrad's back. We should be ok now. Everybody keep calm. Defensive scrum following that drop on the line..

47mins - Tina get the penalty as our scrum cocks up. Decent clearance up field.

49mins - Barnes pings us for knocking on. Yet it was the argies who lost it forward. Everyone stares in disbelief at Barnes.

50 mins - Nehe's day ends and BB is on. Ben Smith to wing. Sounds good to me.

51mins - SBW drops it. Argies have the chance to clear but we were playing advantage apparently, so we're back to a Tina scrum on about the 22m.

52min - quick ball. but it's cleared downfield and we start again.

55 mins - loads of pressure on their line but we cock up again. Barnes brings us back for a penalty.

56 mins - we kick for the corner? Win the lineout, drive straight and Smith A appears with the ball to score without being touched!!!!

TRY! 17-16

The kick is good. Dan kicking well today. 19-16

59mins - A complete mess from the kick off and BB touches down in goal for a 22m dropout.

60mins- Conrad penalised going for a high ball in their corner. Strange.

62 mins - forward pass!!! with the line looming we cock up again. The mistakes are mind-blowing today.

64mins - Kaino makes a great turnover penalty and Sam Cane the BOP man is on for Kaino.

65 mins - more drops. The line beckons and Sam Cane drops this time. That's three certain tries ruined now.

66 mins - Sam Cane on the end of a nice move and he dots down. 24-16 Dan gets the kick 26-16.

67 mins - SBW is making all the difference it seems this half - finding space with Conrad and we are starting to see some results.

67 mins - BB knocks on from the kickoff but forgets about it and 'scores' a try.... hmmm. Wonder what's going through his head. Loads more subs - A Smith off for Perenara and the old warhorse the Kevster is on for Coles.

69 mins - decent possession for Tina but she kicks it long and we're back into their half for a scrum. errr. lineout, my brain is frazzled.

70 mins - close!! Kick up from Carter for Conrad to chase but it's picked up by one of them. Penalty. Earlier brilliant work from the forwards is a massive rolling maul set that up.

72 mins - close again but an excellent turnover by the argies and they clear their lines. We;ve got it again though.

73 mins - bit of madness as the ball refuses to go out and everyone looks a bit knackered. SBW finally finds the line around Tina's 22m.

74 mins - lineout to Tina. But they make a bit of a mess of the following possession and knock it forward. Everybody looks happy for a bit of a break.

75 mins - Ben with a chance to score out wide but a nice tackle and the ball goes out.

77 mins - Good skills out wide but somehow we're pinged for a knock on...didn't see it but a scrum it is. Clock winding down stuff going on now.

80mins - Game over. Nothing much happened at the end.

We won...ish.

Well, that was tense and not much fun. There's a good team somewhere in the All Blacks but it isn't what we thought at the beginning. Argies much better than we thought previously too. Only the bench wasn't good enough to keep the good work of the first half going.

The Ultimate Guide to the Rugby World Cup - part two

Here's the second part of the Ultimate Guide to the Rugby World Cup. Read and enjoy.

Pool C 
OUR POOL - plus some other blokes.

New Zealand
- Talent all round the field of course and decent results (42 of 47 tests won) in the intervening years between world cups. The hiccup against the Aussies in Sydney was what we needed. Highlighting where things are going wrong, who needs to pull their socks up and revealing to all just how good the Aussies are under Chieka. So let's look on where our problems are rather than pick out the highlights. The following are all issues:
- Dan Carter - how did he get picked again? He's never made it through a world cup. He'll get smashed up in the first game this time and we'll be into the backups again. We should've packed him off to pasture years ago, spent the time nurturing BB into a superstar (and finding him some kicking boots), and then Sapoaga could have come along on the trip too.
- Savea - dare I say it, he looks a bit busted and slow this season. Maybe the huge bruising runs of the last few years have caught up with him.
- The ancient front row - have they got 7 big games left in them?
- Sonny Bill Williams - how did he get in the team? Ryan Crotty must be sitting at home cursing his lack of beautiful looks as poster boy waltzes round. Expect SBW to be carded at least once during the tournament and pray it doesn't cost us.
- Managing Richie so he makes it all the way to the final. Cane must see more game time if we are going to see the best of Richie at the end of the tournament.
- the crazy nervousness we develop in tournaments has to stop. Why do we play such alien rugby in the knock-out stages. Kill off the nerves and play the usual style this time and we win the whole thing, easy.

The pluses are of course:
- Conrad Smith - henceforth referred to as the Greatest All Black Ever (or GABE or GABEVER, whichever you prefer). So good this year and I hope he continues throughout the tournament. His reading of the game (and non-stop tackling) are what enable the outsides to score those amazing tries.
- Nehe Milner-Skudder - the bolter, the unknown talent. The extra bit of something that sets us apart and grabs that trophy by both hands. I'm expecting big things and hoping that the other teams have no idea how to stop him.
- Loosies - a great set of players including Messam. Should be enough to secure the ball against all the teams including Oz.
- Ben Smith - is he better than Folau? Probably, but let's find out. A shame that Cory Jane couldn't come along and play fullback and let Ben be the best right wing in the world. Still at least we haven't stuffed him in at Centre...yet...
He'll never be an All Black: Me :-(
Prediction: Finalists

Argentina
- Definitely appear to be going backwards from the highs of the 2007 RWC. Loads more experience in the team since then though as they've been in the Rugby Championship for a few years now. Expect them to escape this pool easily and hopefully not do too much damage to us. I can't see them getting past the Quarter Finals though.
He'll never be an All Black: Lobbe, Leguizamon and Hernandez
Prediction: Quarter Finals

Tonga
- Underperforming Tonga will continue to underperform. A shame. They seem quite likeable chaps but I see them probably even losing to Georgia.
He'll never be an All Black: ummmm.....
Prediction: Fourth in Pool

Georgia
- They'll huff and they'll puff and their big forwards will push Argentina and probably us around but they lack the razzle dazzle in the backs to score and prevent big points. Should be a good game against Tonga.
He'll never be an All Black: Disappointingly born in the Soviet Union, its Mamuka Gorgodze who should've been an All Black. Epicly brilliant.
Prediction: Third in Pool

Namibia
- Are about to be slaughtered by everyone in this group.
He'll never be an All Black: Jacques Berger - he's alright.
Prediction: Last in Pool

Pool D
The Northern Powerhouse pool. Lots to like in here, it's also the land of unpredictability. Are Ireland losing it? Will France be awesome France or crap France? Will this finally be Italy's tournament?

Ireland
- Six Nations champs for the last two seasons, they have everything. Experience, a kiwi coach, an awesome 1st-five, big forwards and a dazzling full back. But results in the build-up have been poor. Did they peak too soon between cups, did everyone else catch up, or is Joe Schmidt holding something back for the real matches? I'm in the latter camp - they're simply too good to suddenly be rubbish, so I'm expecting their real peak is to come during the tournament. I have them topping this group by beating France but unfortunately they're due to meet Oz in the semi-finals and that is where I think their run will end. Happy to be wrong though. The key to beating them - smash Sexton and you win.
He'll never be an All Black: Lovely Johnny Sexton and his mad silky skills.
Prediction: Semi-Finals

France
- Who knows what will turn up? On paper they have more talent than any other country to call on. A huge player pool of mega talent that inevitably gets buggered up by poor coaching and selections. They do, though, peak at tournaments better than any other country. Maybe we'll meet them in the final, maybe they'll self-destruct against Italy after losing to Ireland, anything's possible.
He'll never be an All Black: Thierry Dusautoir is still around and probably still brilliant.
Prediction: Semi-Finals

Italy
-  Got to get it together eventually after all the time, money and energy spent on them. Maybe it will be this tournament but I doubt it.
He'll never be an All Black: Sergio Parisse is an absolute beast of a man.
Prediction: Third in Pool

Canada
- I love that Canada play rugby. Clinging on to their Commonwealth roots while their American cousins invent crazy sport after crazy sport to distract them is commendable. Wish they'd get better at it though.
He'll never be an All Black: Apparently winger Jeff Hassler is ok.
Prediction: Fourth after a huge match against Romania.

Romania
- I know nothing about Romanian rugby. I expect them to be awful. They have a colourful uniform though which is nice.
He'll never be an All Black: Evil dictator, Nicolae Ceaușescu. Thank goodness.
Prediction: Last in Pool

That's all for today. Back tomorrow for the first game of the Rugby World Cup 2015.

The Ultimate Guide to the Rugby World Cup - part one

Here's the first part of the guide to the Rugby World Cup. With just days to go, you would have thought this would have been completed a month ago, but well you know, stuff to do and things. First up, let's do a run-down of the teams in Pools A and B and how The AB Enquirer thinks they'll get on.

Pool A 
The POOL OF DEATH or oh no, poor old England might have to play some hard games.

Australia
- Despite it being the group of death, they walk it. Far too good for this lot of try-hards. Great players abound with the obvious standout being Israel Folau. Put a black shirt on him and he'd be perfect. Foley nails down the 10 spot after Cooper's demolition in Auckland.
He'll never be an All Black: Israel Folau
Prediction: Finalists

England
- Robshaw is half as good as everyone thinks he is. If he stopped talking for five minutes and concentrated on playing he'd improve immensely. Ford, Brown, Watson, Joseph and May are excellent, although they will miss Tuilagi - as big and uncompromising a brute on a rugby field as there has ever been. Still if you go round punching ladies (allegedly), then you deserve to miss out. Bizarrely England may have a better back line than forwards for the first time ever. Watch them panic and not throw the ball wide when it gets tough though. They LOSE their first game to Fiji and the nation goes into shock. They get up to beat Wales and Uruguay by big scores and it comes down to points differential and they squeak through.
He'll never be an All Black: George Ford, Anthony Watson
Prediction: Quarter Finals.

Wales
- Four years past their prime and full of humongous beefcakes that would be better off in a Jersey Shore episode than running around a field. I would be astonished if they make it through this. I can think of no-one that would look good in a black shirt.
He'll never be an All Black: Underpants collector Tom Jones
Prediction: Fourth in Group.

Fiji
- not the team of old, as they pour resources into other sports now and seldom play the big teams these days. Some quality in the backs like Crusaders exocet missile Nadolo. They throw everything into the first game and beat England. The world crows and points fingers at the poms and call them losers. Everyone laughs, while the Fijians party too hard afterwards and lose fitness for the rest of the tournament. The Fijians them lose to Aus and Wales before getting up narrowly to beat Uruguay. The Fijian Prime Minister gives everyone a day off to celebrate the English result and everyone smiles happily.
He'll never be an All Black: Major General Sitiveni Rabuka
Prediction: Third in Group.

Uruguay
- last of the teams to qualify. They've travelled the world and done well to make it, and it's just unfortunate for them to have got placed in this group. Their game against Fiji would have been good fun, but they'll have had a couple of big beatings by then so they might not be up for it.
He'll never be an All Black: Luis Suarez
Prediction - last in pool.

Pool B
The pool of complex politics.

South Africa
- haven't had the best of years and they look short of a few major talents. I understand there are issues with politics running amok in the team selection. Should still be too good for everyone in this group though. Esbeth is a mighty big chap and that Pollard boy could be brilliant.
He'll never be an All Black: Nelson Mandela.
Prediction - Semi Finals.

Samoa
- Gave us a bit of a shock in first game of the season. Huge hits everywhere of course but not sure how good they really are having lost to Fiji in the final of the Pacific Nations. I can't pick out anyone that is likely to impress above others, just hope they put in really good team performances. Discipline could be the key - if they can contain the stupid scrum penalties and lineout infringements then they have a chance against Scotland. More likely though is that they get kicked off the park.
He'll never be an All Black: Brian Lima - but wouldn't it have been great if he had been?
Prediction - Third in Pool

Japan
- most of the team are still exiles, traitors and wannabees from other nations and until they pick some of their Sumo blokes in the team, size is mostly going to be an issue. Often their silky, dashing little backs get you excited for a few seconds before somebody a lot bigger jumps on them, squashes them and steals the ball back. One day they could be good, but I doubt it's going to be this World Cup.
He'll never be an All Black: Are there any famous Japanese people?
Prediction - last in pool.

Scotland
- on the ascendancy for the last couple of years but without getting the results, the jocks get themselves together and make it out of the pool. This is tough for Samoa to take and they galvanise an invasion force and temporarily force the scots to rebuild Hadrians Wall. This falls nicely in place for Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon who declares that because she can no longer get out of Scotland to annoy the English, it is truly pointless being part of the UK and declares another referendum on the matter. She wins, Scotland becomes independent, they all drink far too much and forget about their rugby team south of the border. The rugby team shorn of support fail to get any further in the competition.
He'll never be an All Black: One of the Grays - they're both pretty good
Prediction: Quarter Finals

USA
- done all the right things in inviting top teams in the last year to play against them, so their boys should have got some experience of higher level rugby. The game against Japan though is likely to be the highlight of their tournament. Imagine if they picked some of their athletes from other sports to play? How good a team would one featuring Tom Brady, Marshawn Lynch, Rob Gronkowski etc. be?!
He'll never be an All Black: LeBron James or maybe Carli Lloyd
Prediction: Fourth in Pool

That's it for the first two pools. Tomorrow - us and the rest in Pool C and the drunks and the frogs in Pool D.

Lastly, here's the state of ticketing at the moment. If you're thinking about going to a game you have loads of opportunities still. Provided you are a bastard billionaire! The prices for games are quite frankly ridiculous and I hope the Rugby World Cup committee lose a fortune and the whole world laughs as empty stadiums appear on tv screens around the world. Course this probably won't happen but don't pretend real rugby watchers are going to the games, just a bunch of rara boys and corporations with huge entertainment budgets.

Look at some of those prices?! £150 to watch the All Blacks play in Wales on a Friday night. How the hell are you going to get there in time for the game? How will you get back? Where can you stay? £150 !! per ticket!! Mental.

Worse than the insane prices is the All Blacks tax you have to pay. Fancy going to see Namibia? (er no...) Yes? of course you do, let's watch them play Argentina - that's £85 please. What about Namibia vs The ABs - that's £175!!!! What the Actual Fuck is going on? The same shit house team is going to play both games, yet the pleasure of watching them get thrashed by Argentina will cost you half of what the smashing the ABs do to them is going to cost. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!

This is definitely part of the dirty tricks campaign that England are running to make sure WE DO NOT WIN. We'll talk about that in another post. Just know English people that I am on to you.

Why weren't tickets offered to citizens of the countries involved in the game first? We're going to be left with mostly empty stadiums with a few wealthy English people not giving a shit about which team wins and drinking their champagne, swallowing oysters and licking strawberries and cream off each other in the corporate boxes.

All that was offered was a ballot where mysteriously I didn't get any tickets to any of the 10 games I asked for. No-one got tickets. Tickets just were never available. It's a bloody travesty.

Right Pool C and D tomorrow, then more on the campaign to prevent us winning the World Cup, then How to be a Fijian on Friday.

Bring it on.

The Holy Shit, We've Made It To The Cricket World Cup Final! Post

It's been a while between innings for The AB Enquirer as daily life gets in the way of blog writing. The meanderings are mostly posted on twitter these days anyway, but just occasionally it's nice to do something a bit longer.

I was originally planning a preview of the Cricket World Cup post but left it a bit late and now deep into the tournament and running terribly low on sleep due to the timings of the matches in the UK, a preview is a bit silly. As it is I predicted that Sth Africa, NZ, Australia and Pakistan would make the semis. I'd written India off due to their poor form in the 18 months leading up to the tournament and had Sth Africa down as favourites and us to meet them in the final. As it is SA got beaten twice in pool play so were obviously nowhere near as good or prepared as the world had thought.

ABdV was basically a one man team and if they dished out World Cups for being a nice bloke and trying really hard then he'd have one. As we live in reality though, you need an entire team to perform to win a tournament and they just didn't do enough. Had they won in the semi against us it would have been a travesty.

Great sporting behaviour between the teams though and you could see what it meant to both sets of players. Nice touch from Grant to lift up a distraught Steyn from the pitch. The hurt was visible for all to see on the Sth Africans faces and while in previous tournaments they've been their own worst enemies, this time they turned up and really played. Unfortunately for them they met a once-in-a-lifetime NZ team who are on fire.

Australia have been playing well and in Mitchell Starc they have a special bowler. All their batsmen look in decent touch too, with only Clarke as the slight weak link. I think he'd struggle to get in if he wasn't captain. The pool game against us in Auckland was the obvious highlight of the early games and I'd built myself up into a frenzy of excitement for it. Some background - the Aussies had avoided playing us for nigh on six years (which is a disgrace in itself, how that can happen when they're our nearest neighbours just shows how out of touch the ICC is with cricket). The Blackcaps were on a run of form which meant we'd beaten every major playing nation in an ODI series including England, Pakistan, and Sth Africa away. The Aussies had warmed up by slaughtering the useless poms and an Indian team on holiday.

Nervously anticipated by the entire world, I couldn't bear to look at it - staring weakly through clasped hands. Every ball (and there weren't many) was cheered and screamed at as we ran through them like a hot knife through butter. Destroyed. An annoying last wicket stand upset matters and meant we had to chase a few more runs than necessary. That would prove crucial. Our chase seemed to be going well, but then disaster as the entire middle order was blasted apart by Starc. Don't panic though, the Boy Wonder stepped up and smashed one over long on to win by one wicket. Epic boys own adventure type stuff from KW, who like the AB Enquirer is an Otumoetai College graduate. Conclude of that what you will.

So we're now in the Final against Australia. What should we expect?

The ockers will try to bully and intimidate us throughout. I'd be surprised if the fire alarms don't magically turn themselves on all night in our hotel preventing a decent night's sleep. I'd also be surprised if all of the boys are available to play after they're served some sort of 7-month old, sewage and plague infused, fish curry for tea.

Mitch didn't like Scott.

Surprisingly, they behaved themselves in Auckland but that's probably because they were terrified of the crowd going ass-bastard ballistic on them if they tried their sledging nonsense. However, we don't have 40,000 rabid NZ'ers to help out in Melbourne so expect the filth to be up to their old tricks. I imagine Johnson will be told to sling it in short and then run up and hurl abuse to our boys every ball.

It will be disgusting and we'll just have to deal with it. They know they're second best and just like in the old days under Chappell and Border when they know they're not good enough they resort to cheating and underhand tactics. Sunday will be the same as in those eras.

There's no single batsmen that we need to get out early from the Aussie team specifically. They're all good. Steve Smith has the ability to get a big score, while Finch and Warner can take the game away from you by scoring mega quickly. I think making sure Maxwell has almost no time at the crease will help the most. Like us the Aussies go in with five proper bowlers so there's no one single player to target.

The ladies love Marty

For us, well it's just a case of continuing on as we have. Marty G to entertain the ladies with his dashing stroke play and BMac to get us off to a good start by peppering the boundaries and smashing the run rate. The Boy Wonder to go deep and ton up with late Ross and Ronchi Donkey cameos of 50 each off about 20 balls. No-one else required (fingers crossed).

Lightning and Timmee, Timmee, Timmee, Timmee, Timmee, Timmee, Timmee...Southee to run through their top order, leaving Dan the Man to finish them off.

The MCG will favour the Aussies, not just because of home support but also as we haven't played there for so long. Nor have many of the boys played in Australian conditions for ages. It's unlikely to swing as much as it has in NZ (I think).

Let's rate the teams:
Bowlers
Starc - 10 v Boult - 10
Johnson - 8 v Southee - 9
Hazlewood - 8 v Henry - 8
Faulkner - 8 v Anderson - 7
Maxwell - 7 v Vettori - 9
Watson - 6 v Elliott - 5
TOTAL - 47 v 48

Batsmen
Warner - 8 v Guptill - 10
Finch - 8 v McCullum - 9
Smith - 9 v The Boy Wonder (#SteadyTheShip) - 8
Clarke - 8 v Taylor - 7
Watson - 7 v Elliott - 9
Faulkner - 7 v Anderson - 8
Haddin - 8 v Ronchi - 8
TOTAL - 55 v 59

Crowd
Australia - 10 v NZ - 2

TV Audience
Australia - 1 v NZ - 10

GRAND TOTAL - 113 v 119

There you go. Statistically based on the The AB Enquirer rating system, the BlackCaps will win. This does not of course allow for the cheating the Aussies will attempt.

It hurts to write Ross down as a 7 but he looks so shaky at the moment. He has been holding an end up though and preventing collapses so let's hope he can achieve that again.

Too excited for words. Let's do this BlackCaps. Go NEW ZEALAND. GO YOU GOOD THING. GO, GO, GO. BEAT THEM AND WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN, WIN!!!!!!!

By Monday we could be World Champions of both Rugby and Cricket. Oh my word...